


Suffering is Critical (in Finding What You Need)

by evilgrrl



Category: Star Wars, Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Bathing/Washing, Blood and Injury, Blow Jobs, Comfort Sex, F/M, HEA, Hurt Kylo Ren, Hurt/Comfort, Kylo Ren Angst, Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, NSFW, Not Suitable/Safe For Work, Plot and Smut, Punishment, Smut, the love of a good woman
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-07
Updated: 2018-09-07
Packaged: 2019-07-07 04:52:48
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,290
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15901263
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evilgrrl/pseuds/evilgrrl
Summary: In this alternative universe, Kylo Ren has not met Rey.Ben Solo had always wanted love. After he ended up with Snoke, he gave up on it. Snoke would never let him form a bond with anyone else. Snoke wouldn’t let him have sex either. It would be a distraction from his training, from focusing on his future. When one failure after another took Kylo out of Snoke’s good graces, though, Snoke seemed to give up on him too, or maybe just lower his expectations. If he wasn’t going to be as great a warrior as Darth Vader, perhaps allowances could be made.When Kylo finally started a relationship, he knew Snoke would make him pay for it. But at least he wasn’t alone any longer.





	Suffering is Critical (in Finding What You Need)

**Author's Note:**

> In this alternative universe, Rey is not in the story, which occurs around the time of The Force Awakens. The background of the story is canon-compliant, but diverges from the time line. 
> 
> I love Rey, and definitely want her and Kylo to be together, but she didn't fit into the story I wanted to tell. If you read my story anyway, I thank you for your patience in advance. 
> 
> The title comes from the lyrics to the Stone Temple Pilots song, Out of Time:
> 
> "Longing is the animal inside  
> you when you bleed  
> Suffering is critical  
> in finding what you need." 
> 
> I don't like the song that much, just the lyrics.

The girl was nervous. Kylo was usually home by this time. The few times he hadn't been so far, he had managed let her know about it. Kylo wasn't the nicest guy in the world, but he had been considerate enough to this point. He didn't know her that well yet, but he knew she would worry. Suri secretly thought that was one of things he liked about her.

Suri didn't think he would be mad if he came home to find her asleep in bed, but she wanted to know that he was okay first. He hadn't told her much about the power structure on the ship, but she thought his position in it was more tenuous that it appeared. As afraid of him as everyone here was, he was even more afraid of someone else. 

She had messaged him awhile ago, but there was no answer, which was even more ominous. Usually Kylo welcomed the minor distractions of her messages, especially during tedious meetings. Even if he were training, he usually answered her back promptly. 

She found herself unconsciously picking at a little skin tag or wart or something on her hand, then realized she was doing it and stopped. She reminded herself to go by the infirmary and get it removed tomorrow. Assuming there still was a tomorrow. 

Sighing, she picked up her datapad and found the novel she had been reading. It engrossed her well for her not to check the time in the upper right hand corner every two minutes. She heard the door about half an hour later. It slid open automatically with a swishing sound, but it didn't close right away as usual. 

“Kylo?” she called out. 

Putting down her datapad, she got up and moved toward the door. There was a pile of black clothing lying in the door frame that resolved into the shape of a man. Suri ran to him, but was afraid to touch him for a just a moment. What if he were dead? The thought of it made her chest feel tight. 

Then logic reasserted itself. He wouldn't have made it in the door at all if he were dead. If he were lying on the floor, he needed her. She braced herself, then knelt and shook him gently, calling his name. He moved, and she felt a sense of relief unknot the muscles of her neck. 

“Kylo? It's Suri. Are you okay? Should I call the medics?” 

He seemed to be shaking his head, and she heard him groan. At least he was conscious. 

“No,” he finally whispered in a shaky voice. “Don't. Don't call anyone. I'll be all right.” 

He was unsteady as he got to his hands and knees, then crawled through the doorway. No longer blocked, the door closed automatically, and he rested back on his haunches. She still couldn't see his face. 

She touched his shoulder gently. “What can I do?”

A little noise of pain escaped him, but didn't answer her. She leaned forward and pushed back his hood. 

There it was. The beautiful planes of his face were torn and stained with blood, and the skin was unnaturally white, emphasizing the contrast. His smattering of moles stood starkly out as well. 

“Oh, baby,” she whispered. Her stomach hurt. 

“I just want to make it to the couch right now,” he panted, breathing labored. 

Suri wasn't sure what to do. “Do you want a hand, or should I get under you?”

“I don't think a hand would help. Can you get under me?”

He sounded so tired.

She ducked under him and placed herself between his arm and his body. “I'll try to get up on three. One, two, three.” 

She grunted with effort, but was able to pull him to his feet, not an easy task with someone of his size. The dead weight of his body alarmed her. 

“Slow. Slow,” he grunted. He was probably dizzy. 

With Kylo leaning on her heavily, she pulled him toward the couch and lowered him to it slowly in a seated position. 

He leaned back and she could see more of the damage to his face. His hair was sweaty and matted with blood, and the eye she could see was bloodshot with a dilated pupil. The other one was blackened and swelled almost shut, as if he had been punched there. A scrape marred his forehead along with dried blood and char, which was flaking from his cheeks as well. Blood still trickled from his nose and ran into his mouth. She couldn't tell on first glance if his mouth was bleeding separately or not, but his lips were cracked and bloody. Had he lost some teeth?

Suri felt an almost unbearable urge to touch him, but she was afraid it would cause him pain. “Kylo, can I get you some pain killers and some water?”

He nodded slightly and closed his eyes. When she returned with the capsules and the water, he opened his eyes again. 

“Can you swallow?”

A small nod indicated he could. He tried lifting his arm to take the water himself, but lowered it back down after a moment. Suri put the capsules in his mouth carefully, then brought the glass of water up to his lips to drink. He looked like he was in misery.

“These are the strongest pain relievers we have. Do you want me to order something else?” 

“No,” he answered hoarsely. “Against the rules.”

Her face fell a little, breath catching in her throat. “The rules?” She'd heard him mention “the rules” before, but not in connection with anything like this. 

“Can I get you some caf or something? Or a relaxer?”

The muscles of his face smoothed out minutely. “Yeah, caf.” 

“No nausea?” she asked. He shook his head. 

“No, but my head is killing me.”

Suri brought the caf to him in a cup with a straw to make drinking it easier. She held the cup as he sipped it, relaxant in her other hand. His eyes opened. The expression on his face looked a little less tense. The pain reliever was starting to taking effect. 

“Relaxant too?”

He nodded.

“I knew I was going to have to pay for this,” he said, opening his mouth so she could put the pill under his tongue, “But I didn't know it was going to be this bad.” 

Soon he was able to hold the cup of caf himself. He removed the straw and brought the cup to his lips. “I think this is the worst.” 

Kylo looked at Suri and took her hand, the black leather soft against her fingers. “Worth it though.” 

She looked down, as it the weight of his eyes was too much for her to hold. 

“Nothing broken except for a couple of ribs. How bad can it be?” A noise that was supposed to be a laugh huffed between his lips. 

He saw a tear drop down her cheek. “It's all right, Suri” he reiterated, stroking his gloved thumb lightly over the thin skin on the back of her hand. He kissed it, then grimaced when he saw he had gotten blood on her. “Fuck. I need to get cleaned up.” 

Suri knew that was meant as an apology for getting her dirty. It didn't even register on her radar, but she did want to get him cleaned up herself. “I'll get you something,” she told him as she got up again.

Kylo drank a bit more of the caf before she returned with a cool wet cloth, which she touched against his cheek as carefully as she could. He took the cloth out of her hand and scrubbed it roughly across his face. “I'll be better soon.”

A small noise of discomfort came out of her mouth, so he took her hand again. “Shhh. Don't worry. If I get too broken, he'll let me get it fixed.”

He turned the cloth over and rubbed at his cheeks with it. “This feels good, baby. I'm hot. Can you help me get undressed?”

Suri was surprised that he actually asked for her assistance. He never seemed to want help, but perhaps that particular request seemed to be appropriate, since he was used to asking her for food and sex. 

“Yes,” she breathed, leaning down to take off his boots and socks. His feet seemed blessedly uninjured. 

She put the boots aside and cautiously removed his black leather gloves. The ring finger and pinkie of his left hand looked crooked and swollen, and he winced as she peeled the glove away. 

“I think these are dislocated,” she muttered as she examined them. 

“I'll get them reset after I shower. You can send for a medical droid for that.” 

Suri thought sourly that at least he didn't have to wait for that, but it reminded her of his other prohibitions.

Suri knew she shouldn't even ask, but she couldn't help it. “Is bacta against 'the rules' too?”

He answered as she removed the glove from his other hand. “Usually for the first 24 hours.” 

She swore under her breath and she looked his other hand over. It seemed to be all right. 

"He can't let me off too easy," Kylo clarified. "He wants me to suffer." 

Suri put the gloves on the little table and started to undo the fastenings of his tunic. He leaned forward carefully and allowed her remove it. Gratefully he relaxed back against the cushions again, his expression easing as he did so. She was glad he seemed to be gaining strength so quickly. 

She set his tunic aside for cleaning and examined his undershirt, which he still wore. It was damp with sweat and possibly blood, probably camouflaged by the dark color. 

“The tunic is salvageable, but this tank will need to be thrown away.” She sounded as if she were angry about the loss of the clothing.

He said nothing, but his dark eyes followed her as she found safety scissors and painstakingly cut up the front of the tank top, across the tops of of his shoulders, then peeled it away from his skin. 

“I'm a mess, I'm afraid.” He was trying for humor, but curbed that impulse when he saw another tear spill from her eyes. “Shit.” He raised his hand weakly and wiped the moisture from her check. “I've been through this before, baby. Many, many times.”

Suri shook her head slightly, trying to shake off her discomfort. She balled up the bloody undershirt in her hand as if she were angry with it.

“It's going to be okay. Help me take these pants off?”

She wiped away another tear that wanted to fall and leaned over to unfasten the pants. She deftly pulled the fly open and he lifted his hips clumsily to allow her to pull the pants out from under his hips. He put a hand on her head, and said, “While you're down there...” 

“It's not funny,” she answered a little gruffly, allowing herself the comfort of resting her head on his belly for a moment, his bare hand stoking her hair. She turned and placed a soft kiss on his hipbone before she sat back up. 

His small clothes and legs were smeared with blood, and she could see dark shadows and red lines all over parts of his body. He smelled very faintly of charcoal. 

“I need to clean these wounds” she added as she cut off his underwear. 

“They'll get clean when I bathe” he said, brushing the concern aside. “Could you get me another caf and run me a hot bath?”

“Of course,” she acquiesced, rising to do so.

He was trying to sit up straight when she returned with the second cup of caf. 

“Please don't,” she asked, sitting down.

“Soon,” he insisted, lips turning up slightly. “Give me that.”

She did as he bid her, taking a small drink of caf herself first. 

He accepted the cup and said, “You shouldn't have caf this late at night. It will keep you awake.” 

“You're so funny,” she said, obviously not amused. “I don't think I could sleep now if I tried.” 

She settled next to him, head on his shoulder, and stroked his arm. Reluctantly encouraged by his attempts at humor, she tried one of her own. “How are you going to get to your bath anyway? Do you have a hover chair?” 

Now it was his turn to be serious. “No. I'll be able to walk soon. I was just exhausted from crawling.” 

She turned her head in surprise. “You … crawled all the way here?”

“Just from the foyer,” he replied casually, drinking the caf. “They drop me off just inside and I have to make it from there. Usually I can get all the way through the door before collapsing though.”

One of Suri's hands was picking at the spot on the other again, and she forced herself to quit, went back to touching Kylo's arm. 

He was looking at her solemnly. “You know, I used to have to do this alone.” 

“Do what?”

“Recover. It took a long time too. I had to rest a lot. Sometimes he'd let a droid help me, but not usually, unless I had a broken bone or something. This time was more extreme than most of the others.” His eyes had glazed over a little. 

She tilted her head very gently against his shoulder. “Why does he do these things to you?”

He was silent for a moment. “Punishment. For disappointing him.”

“Why did he do it this time?”

He blinked and consciousness returned to his eyes. “This.” He looked at her. “I never thought he would allow it. He always said it would just distract me before.”

Suri took a moment to let herself process. “So why now?”

“He's given up on me. I'm a hopeless case now.”

When she looked up, his eyes were on hers again. “I don't understand. How are you a disappointment? That stuff you do with the Force is unbelievable!”

“Vader would have crawled the entire way,” he said referring to how he had gotten there that evening, casting a glance toward a melted hunk of plastic on a table across the room. 

She thought for a minute. “If he'd had arms and legs, he could have.”

Kylo was unfazed. “He had one arm. He would have used it to drag himself forward until he made it inside.” He turned to kiss the top of her head, then shrugged to encourage her to remove it from his shoulder. “I'm not Vader.” 

“Thank the gods,” she affirmed. 

He was able to lean forward and sit up now without help. “Did you turn on the bath?”

She nodded, brushing the hair out of her face. “It should be ready.” She didn't tell him that she had poured some bacta in. It wouldn't be a very efficient way of healing wounds diluted that heavily, but it would be better than nothing. What Snoke didn't know wouldn't hurt him. She hated that fucker. 

He stood slowly and carefully, but without betraying any pain. “Good. Bring me some bandages when I get out?”

She nodded dutifully. “Of course. Do you want help getting in?”

He turned, again, more slowly than usual, and started toward the 'fresher. “No. I'll be fine.”

Suri could detect a little strain in his voice, but that was all. Normally she would have offered to bathe with him, but she thought he might prefer some privacy because of his pride. 

She took her time ordering the medical droid, then finding the disinfectant and some packages of bandages, which she took into the bathroom with her after a few minutes.

Kylo was sitting in the tub, the water swirling pink around him. His glossy, black hair was wet, but clean, as if he had dunked his head under water. Some of those curls fell over the the black eye, hiding it from her. Blood still dripped from his nose intermittently, and blood oozed from places where the skin had been broken all over his body. The expression on his face seemed to be resignation, tinged with despair. 

She was frightened for a moment before he looked up and smiled at her, breaking through his mask of wretchedness. 

“What were you thinking just now? The expression on your face...”

His voice was soft. “I can't tell you how many times I've sat in that tub and just wanted to die. I knew I would never be good enough, but he kept telling me I would be if I just … sacrificed enough. I've given him everything I had, but he always wanted more. I never could see a way out.” 

Kylo activated the drain and stood up slowly and stiffly, making ample use of the safety bar attached to the wall. She hated to see his beautiful body so wounded. After he stood, he turned the shower on, took the attachment from the wall and rinsed off with it. His pale limbs emerged from under a scrim of blood. Sections of skin looked as if they had been charred. A thin branching line of pink skin bisected each one, matching a number of similar scars sprinkled liberally across his warrior's physique.

He saw her looking at his injuries as he turned the water off. “Force lightning,” he explained, sending a tiny blue spark from his finger to bounce against the tiled wall to demonstrate.

Suri's mouth dropped open. “I've never seen that before.” 

Kylo shrugged with one shoulder. “I'll live.”

Water the color of Kylo's wounds circled the drain as Suri changed the air drier setting to its most gentle cycle. The warm air caressed him gently.

When his body was dry, he started applying the bandages to the wounds he could reach, and she dressed the injuries on his back. After they were done, he urinated into the toilet and took a look before he flushed. “No blood,” he noted.

The medical droid had arrived while he was in the bath, and Suri allowed it into the 'fresher now to fix Kylo's hand. She programmed it to administer another analgesic before setting his fingers. If she didn't tell Kylo, Snoke would never find out. Fuck Snoke. 

The droid left after putting Kylo's fingers back to rights. He had clenched his jaw while it was being done, but emitted no sound. Even with the pain reliever, it had to have hurt like hell. 

“I'm so tired. Let's go to bed. I can try to sleep this off.”

Kylo took Suri's hand with his uninjured one, and pulled her toward the bedroom. She could tell from the way he moved that he was still in pain, but he had recovered a little of his usual grace. She wondered how badly it hurt to have electricity strongly enough to leave marks like that go through your body, and whether it caused permanent damage beyond the scars. 

He got into the bed with deliberate care and leaned back against the headboard. 

Suri undressed, then circled to her side of the bed, got in and scooted over to him. She snuggled into his side very carefully, and he wrapped his arm around her. 

His voice hitched. “He told me if I killed...Han Solo, that would do it. I wouldn't feel the call to the Light any longer. I would come into my full power.”

His head lolled back against the wall and his eyes closed. “I couldn't, though. No matter how much I wanted to, I wasn't able to do it. Fuck.”

She watched emotions chase across his face. “That's when he gave up on me.” A little laugh came out of him. “If I had known that would happen, I would have disappointed him sooner.” He dropped his momentary smile. “No, I did disappoint him. All the time. I couldn't help it. But I really thought he was going to kill me when I wasn't able to kill – my father.”

His good right hand combed through his hair, then returned to its place at his side. He pressed his lips together into a flat line before relaxing them again in a way Suri read as introspection.

“But he couldn't cut his losses. He'd invested too much in me, just like I'd invested too much in him, in the Dark side. I may not be another Vader, but he can still use me. He just needed a way to ...stabilize me, steady my emotions.” His hazel eyes opened again and he turned minutely to face her. The injured eye was still swollen. “That's where you came in.” 

“Girls are against the Sith Code, though, and the Jedi Code, too,” Suri interjected. Her hand lay on his stomach, and she started tracing gentle circles on his skin. 

“Not girls,” he answered, “Just attachment. To anything besides the Force. But Snoke didn't let me have any outlet except what I could give myself. What I wouldn't have given to have a real girl 10 years ago. Even to have had access to a girl. But Luke didn't allow it, and neither did Snoke.”

He sounded a little bitter. “Most of the storm troopers can go to the ship's sex workers, but I was forbidden from it. The one time I tried, he put a chastity belt on me for three days. That was the worst thing ever. Do you know how many erections a teen aged boy gets a day? It was agony.”

Suri's face tightened as she imagined it. 

“I'm a lot better now that I have you. And it's not just the sex.” 

She felt his muscles relax as he spoke, and he kissed her hair. “I guess I gave up on myself too. That made it easier. I don't have to fight myself all the time. I don't care if I'll never be Vader. I'm just a little more at peace.” She could smell his characteristic scent, no longer covered by the charred smell from the lightning strikes. 

“Do you think he'll ever let you go?”

“I doubt it. I can live with it like this though.” 

The circles she was making on his belly moved steadily lower. 

He smiled and shifted his body to face her. He raised his injured hand to her breast, stroking it softly. “I don't think I'm up to very much tonight.”

“You don't need to be,” she said easily. The circles became a light up and down motion on his member. 

“That does feel good though,” he admitted. 

Suri thought that he deserved whatever comfort she could provide. “I think it can feel better.”

“Mmmmm...I can't do anything for you though.”

Her other hand caressed his balls. “Just let me make you feel good right now.”

He contemplated her green eyes, reading her intention there. “I don't know if I can...”

“Don't worry about it,” she assured him. “Whatever happens, happens. Just enjoy it.”

Suri lowered her mouth to his cock and softly licked the slit of his head, fingers still stroking him. He tasted clean and just slightly musky. 

She heard him moan a little. “I really like that,” he whispered as he gave into her ministrations. “Oh, god. A little harder. Please.”

Her warm, wet mouth descended on him and sucked. His eyes rolled back in his head slightly as he closed them. She knew he might still be able to have an orgasm even if he couldn't get an erection. Snoke had denied him stronger pain relief. She wasn't going to deny him what little she could give. 

“Ohhh, I don't think I can...” His head was thrown back against the headboard. The tension and pain had drained from his features and an expression of ecstasy had replaced them: eyes closed, plush lips open, long neck extended.

She pulled up off him momentarily, “Shhhh...Just go with it.”

“Ahhhh...” 

he panted.

Her soft mouth took all of him in, easier since he wasn't fully hard, and began to suck again. Her hands just enhanced the sensation and he felt the hot spark of arousal ignite in his lower belly. He hadn't thought it possible, but he realized he was starting to get hard despite the way the rest of his body ached. When she licked the shaft on the underside, right under the glans, Force, it felt incredible. It was as if the rest of him had faded into the background and his awareness was focused only on what she was doing, the pleasure she was giving him. 

Suri could feel the muscles of his belly and thighs tighten beneath her, and she picked up the tempo. He might ejaculate, or he might not, but she thought he would orgasm either way. 

He touched her back. “I think – I'm...” he tried to warn her. He was only partially erect, but she was right; he didn't need to be in this case. 

Instead of withdrawing as he had expected, she renewed her suction around the head, enveloping it with her velvety lips and tongue. His mind wiped clean as he came. There wasn't much ejaculate, but she swallowed what there was. It wasn't the best orgasm he ever had, but it was still damn good. Pleasure flooded his senses, and for just a second, he felt whole and good, accepted and loved.

He opened his eyes to see her looking up at him and licking her lips, and he felt his heart swell with bliss. It was an emotion he hadn't felt in a long, long time. 

Suri cleaned him with the warm washcloth she had prepared, then eased him down onto his pillow. “Go to sleep, baby,” she whispered. “You're safe now.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading my fan fiction! I love writing it, and it means a lot to me when other people enjoy it. If you did, please leave Kudos. I welcome all your comments as well. 
> 
> This story started with my reaction to a heart wrenching fan drawing of Kylo in the bath, having been punished by Snoke...yet again. He looked so chagrined and and hopeless. I really wanted someone to comfort him, so I wrote a story in which someone does. The drawing is called "The Day After" by the divine @ilafox on Tumblr and Twitter.
> 
> By the way, it IS possible for a man to have an orgasm without having an erection, usually by receiving oral sex.


End file.
